I have been struggling a lot in one particular class this semester. But struggling does not even begin to describe the mental turmoil I face daily with this class. I show up every time, panic-stricken, fearful of my imminent failure, unsure of how to accept average grades gracefully, feeling incompetent and small. Those are some pretty intense words to describe a mere class, I know, but I am an intense person and my feelings permeate into every part of my life. Now, I have acknowledged that my distress has been blown out of proportion as well as come to terms with the irrationality of my sentiments, but this does not take away my constant feelings of uneasiness in regards to this course. It's like a disease--seeping into every aspect of my life--preventing me from accomplishing tasks that need to be finished, annoying my friends and boyfriend (I'm sure), and fostering a deep seated bitterness in my heart to all things related to to history (the subject matter at hand here), to which I had previously shown a great affection.
After several serious conversations and hours of contemplation, I keep returning to the following thoughts:
Nothing in my life is completely in my control. It's really scary, but so true. I can't control what people do on the road. I can't control what mark I will get on an assignment that is graded subjectively. I can't control the future events of my life. I can't control how well my Starbucks Double-Shot will be made. I can't control my finances, no, not really...
So, if I really take this seriously, nothing in life is really controllable. And that's a little bit unsettling.
Or...as I realized at the beach today...
It's freeing.
My God is a God of love. I can't fathom a God worthy of praise that knowingly puts people in painful positions that show no hope for redemption in their future. Life is comprised of the choices we make. If we, on the individual level, can make right, true, faithful choices in our own lives, the effect of our loving kindness will ripple out throughout all of humanity. This is an ideal, romanticized way of thinking, of course, but why not work toward something like this? Do we really want to waste our time on the insignificant, when we can make a difference with love? Even if it is on a small scale, love and right attitudes are worth our consideration.
On that note...
Nothing I do is done for me--or at least it shouldn't be.
God calls us--all of us, so yeah that means you too--to do everything for him. In Colossians 3:23 it states:
Whatever you do, work at it wholeheartedly as though you were doing it for the Lord and not merely for people.
It's pretty deep into the semester now, so I think my chances at an A for this course are shot. A couple days ago this would have found me weeping in my bed, but now I see it as a new opportunity. Although I have "failed" myself, in terms of grades in this class, I can take away an important life lesson:
There will be times in my life when I am not the best at things. I will feel stressed out, fatigued and maybe even revisit all of these feelings I had in this class. But next time I will know ahead of time that: a) my parents love me dearly b) my true friends will always love and adore me c) God doesn't care about perfection d) I can accept inadequacy, dismiss it, and focus on all of the positive parts of my life.
I truly feel happier than I ever have, save for the bad feelings in this class, so why would I let evil, untrue thoughts unravel me, completely forgetting all the good that surrounds me?
These are the meditations of my heart and soul for the rest of this semester. Take them or leave them.
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