Sound of My Heart (It Startled Me)

Feelings are weird, man. I mean, really though...feelings are very intimate things. People talk about sharing their feelings with others or sharing mutual feelings with someone and it's at these moments when we feel most connected. I guess I hadn't really given it much thought before, but really, sharing a feeling with someone is one of the most intimate things two (or more) people can do.

As I was living the day out, I realized the magnitude of feelings, emotions and memories I have associated with certain music.

A Charlie Brown Christmas came on the television and images of random beds I slept in all over Europe flooded my mind. That dirty roll of a pillow in Paris, the freezing cot-type bed pushed up next to a radiator in Birmingham, my slightly off-kilter bed in Florence, Sofia's tiny couch with steel rods poking in my back... I used to listen to the album by Vince Guaraldi every night to fall asleep when I was in Europe. It was perfectly surreal to hear the music again for the first time out of what had become its normal context.

In the car, Lily Allen's sweet, English accented voice seeped through my stereo and procured fond memories of me laughing genuinely at all the insipid drama that came to pass over the last four months. F*ck you, f*ck you took me back to cafes in non-English speaking countries as they blasted it in a Top 20 Playlist, unedited and fetchingly asinine.

Elvis Perkins. Hmm. Well, this takes me back to, uh, hmm two places: First--to my favorite cafe in Florence with that cute, bald guy who wore black framed glasses and made me Americanos whenever I fancied. Next--to a place that I'd like to eventually disassociate with this song, but who knows how long that will take, or if I ever truly will be able to separate the two. Icy winds on bare skin, dirty sheds and rooftops. Imminent failure through a chance opened door.

I watched parts of Vicky Cristina Barcelona with Sarah today and immediately remembered the quickened dance my heart does when I hear the music from this balmy, sensual film. This feeling exists in a similar place as Howard Shore's majestic notes.

Driving from an old friend's house I blasted Animal Collective and remembered how I used a select few of their songs as a means to fall asleep on bus rides in Europe. If you've ever listened to Animal Collective you'd be shocked that I could fall asleep to anything they've made (it's all a discordant, ambient, strident, cacophonous harmony of sounds) but believe me, I'd be out after the second chorus of In the Flowers.

I was making Christmas cards (channeling my energy, if you will) with Howl's Moving Castle on in the background. This is one of those films that can move me to tears even if I'm not watching it. Kind of like Totoro and Spirited Away. The music is calming, stirring, and poignant. It takes me to a place where the grass is tall and my dress is loose, and I feel as though the soft wind could wrap its undetectable arms around me and sweep me up into the stars.

Basically, I merely wanted to share some of the feelings (and memories) I get when I hear certain music.sounds.voices. The severity of my desire to share these feelings with someone kind of scares me. I want someone to know, to feel, to experience the exuberance that some of these sounds bring me. Maybe you feel the same way about sounds in your life....